So yet again I find myself in the frustration of what I am becoming accustomed to as life. The clock strikes a familiar hour and the mind switches on, a stark contrast to the sleepy eyes person I was just a short time ago. I am finding it difficult once more to rest the head, as waves of thoughts flood my being,
How does one raise the state of consciousness when one cannot just let go, cannot just relax and cannot just trust. I feel strangled by life, and the only place I find comfort is in my typing. I look back on words typed not long ago and I see the sadness, the anger, the frustration, the anxiety and I make resolutions that tomorrow will be a new day, a better day, a fresh start, yet when tomorrow comes it seems the same as yesterday, I seem the same, trapped in the mind of tomorrow. I believed once that when the energy is right for something to happen then like the puzzle pieces falling into their custom places everything will start happening, what has happened to the puzzle? Am I still on course to fill the picture or am I eluding myself while searching for the corners that everyone is expecting me to find. Why do I feel this pressure that is sucking the air out of my lungs and has me typing words long after my eyes should be closed and way before coffee should be brewing. I let my fingers hit the keys on yet another night, yet this one is different. I am tired of watching others live their lives in two worlds, others connect to each other via the airwaves, I now want to find my happy ground, my stability in my instability. I want to sleep deep and dream wild, like I once managed to some time ago, not long in my past. The house is quiet yet my mind is full of noise, strange how I seem to be able to give the correct sounding advise to all that care to ask and to listen yet when it comes to my life I can feel the edges tearing, trying to dull the familiar emotion of the tears as I perpetually want to scream, to let it all out… why me? Why is this not going working the way I want it to work? Why am I blocking what is coming? How am I blocking it? How do I stop blocking it? So I try and still the mind one more, breathing, always breathing, acknowledging the thoughts that are now so common within my forehead. How do I feel more? How do I go deeper into meditation, what should I do differently so that I can start receiving the answers I am looking for? I feel so different to the person I was a couple of months ago. Did I make a mistake in coming up here, leaving my new found family so soon after meeting them? But they say there are no mistakes, I keep saying everything is as it should be, yet I feel weird, a stranger in a strange place, clutching at straws, whichever I can grab for a little rest bite from the solitude. My sleeping patterns need to adjust, my mindset needs to alter, my soul needs to trust, my being needs to float. Wait, isn’t that what is happening, my being is floating, on water, and I don’t know the direction that I am going in. I see where I am and I see where I want to be, but there is a big hole in between the two places. Mind the gap, bridging the gap, is this what tonight is about as I let my fingers ramble on in their frantic typing of words, creating spells in the digital world.
Could this be the eye of the needle, the lighthouse that flashes her beam lighting the path for that instant so that I get some form of direction. Thank you, as the wind gushes outside the window and my nose turns cold, our nose freezes up. I am starting to understand who I am typing these words for, its not an external force, not a fleeting god that looking down on me, no, I am sending these words to you again, you know who you are, you that needs to listen to yourself more and expect to find the answers less on the outside of you and more within. Be confident with the process, it’s all going to work out, it always has and it always will. As the saying goes, its all going to be ok in the end, if it’s not ok its not the end, he smiles knowing that even though life seems to be happening on someone else’s terms and conditions, he knows he holds the pen for the fine print.
Then why are you acting shy? Isnt it time you show yourself who you are? Come out and play and praise yourself, you are worth every breath you take, every thought you create and every moment that is your life. Stop wasting it with null thoughts, with void sentiments, all yo uhave to do is be you, and thats all that it takes, you know the life you want to live, you know that you want to do daily yoga, regular meditation classes, drumming workshops, play in a band and have fun, wow, what a life, and its coming, because that is the vibration you are transmitting, but watching series, watching movies, procrastinating, and finding excuses isn’t going to achieve the life that you are after. Make it happen, make the calls, visit the holistic studios, look for like minded people, they are there waiting for your connection, waiting for you to say hello and as soon as you do you will find doors opening, bridges building, connections established and all of a sudden the sleepless nights tossing and turning will be no longer, the nights having fun will take over, just trust in yourself, in your confidence, and your path. I seem to type it to everyone that will care to listen, not I am typing it to you because its time, for your own sake, your own life, your own existence, come out and show yourself who you are, not for anyone else but you. You know where you want to be so make it happen and you will see that all these niggly aches and growing pains will disappear and your body will start dancing to the rhythm again. Remember one thing though, just as no-one can take recognition for your growth, no-one can do the hard work for you, and anyway who says it has to be hard work, why not manifest an easy ride to where you want to be. It’s your rules, drafted by you, typed by you, and followed by you. Have fun making this life, this blooming of the soul, you have been underground for a long time, you have nothing to fear from budding, you have me cheering from your corner, and I cannot wait to see you succeed and win at being you. Yes I feel your smile once again touching your lips, you cannot hide it for long, although sometimes I think you try but inevitably I know you, you are a good person, an honest being, and a positive vibe… a pixel thats ready to jump up and have fun. The time has come, stand up, be you, and show yourself that you are more than what you have told yourself over the last while.
Thank you for this sleepless time, its gotten cold, I think I may have to put the heater on again cause my breath is freezing, and I don’t want to go downstairs where I will make noise and have the teacher reprimanding me again. Welcome back, you know that I am hugging you, loving you with all my heart and soul…
So in closing off for tonight, take heart that you arent alone, I have said before that no matter where you go I will always be there with you, for you and to be at your side when everyone else seems to vanish from your life, to laugh at your jokes, to comment on that fine looking chick or to bitch and moan at the amount of pushups we are doing. Thank you for you, keep being yourself and try and consciously breath more, fire breathing, balance breathing, more yoga, more meditation, more poi dancing, because the time is soon coming that you will have students learning from you so you need to be fit and ready to pass on the knowledge that you are so keen to share with everyone, and the more you practice the more confidence you will have in your abilities to deliver your message. So I say to you, live your life, put away the computer, the phone, the facebook, the social media, at least until the morning has finished and you have quietened the mind and done your ritual, its important that you find your routine so that you can learn to live without it. Like water, a form that has no form…
myjourneyintome 